Friday, March 13, 2009

Awkward and hurt

I play a card game, PoKeNo, with a group of other ladies once a month. It is a mindless card game that I refer to as glorified BINGO, but I'm not going to go into an explanation of the card game because that isn't what this post is about. The game bores me to tears but I go to keep active and socialize.

Our group is a rather odd mix of women. One of my best friends, Rita, brought us all together a little over a year ago. The core group of five have been golfing buddies for years (I've tried golfing with them, but it's definitely not my cuppa tea). They have traveled together and get together as couples quite often. Then there is Deb, who doesn't golf with them but her husband sometimes does and she socializes with them. Then there is Rita's sister and me. I've known all of these ladies enough to say hello for over 20 years, so this mix has worked out fine for me. Often the conversation turns to golf or a dinner out and I feel a little on the outside but it has never really bothered me - until last night. Last night four of the golfing group, Rita's sister and I were there.

One of the ladies, Nicki, (part of the golfing group) had lost her brother to cancer two weeks ago (I sent her a sympathy card at the time). She wasn't sure whether she was going to come, but showed up at the last second. It was obvious she was still struggling but it was also obvious that the evening was good for her. The silliness and laughter took her mind off her sorrow for a time.

Just as we were all getting ready to leave, Rita came out of her bedroom with a beautiful spray of flowers for Nicki, with a card attached. Of course Nicki broke down and cried and said "Thank you all". But the bouquet was not from all of us - it was from the golfing group. I felt horrible. I would have loved to have gone in on a gift! And now it looks like I chose not to. It looks like I don't care! They gave it to her at a PoKeNo get together - it is only right that it should have been from the PoKeNo group. I didn't even give Nicki a hug because it would have looked like I had gone in on the gift. And on the other side of the room Rita's sister was doing the same thing I was - looking on from a distance, not saying a word.

It takes a whole lot to hurt my feelings - it really does. But I am so totally hurt right now. I thought about calling Rita and telling her how I feel but I can't do that because I'll cry and I'm not going to cry! I thought about sending her an email saying much of what I've said here. And I've thought about saying screw it and quit PoKeNo. I don't really like the game and I'm tired of having the "I'm on the outside looking in" feeling.

Am I over-reacting? Am I being petty? What would you do? I really want to know...

11 comments:

Intense Guy said...

The "golfer group" were a little thoughtless while trying to be thoughtful.

I'm not Dear Abby, but I think (my humble opinion and nothing more) given how much a strain a funeral is, and the attempt to be thoughtful most likely inadvertently misfiring - you should either be quiet and let it go, or quietly talk to one of the golfer group members (probably Rita) in person about how you and Rita's sister would have "chipped in" if they had offered you the opportunity - I'm sure Rita will see how they hurt you two.

*Hugs*

People are human, and humans make mistakes...

Queenie Jeannie said...

Big, huge bloggy hugs honey!!

As usual, Intense Guy got it exactly right. He said exactly what I was thinking, but in a much more coherent manner, lol!

I understand you feeling hurt, and I have been in the same exact situation. Bottom line, this was an effort to make someone else feel better. Better to put your focus on her and let the unintentional dig slide.

Tori_z said...

That was out of order. If it was given when you were all there then it should have been from you all. Not just from the golfing group.

What would I do? Well...

If I enjoyed the game then I'd just keep going while bearing in mind the fact I'm not part of the group and they wont see me as such. I'd just carry on as before, though I would mention that they should have told me so that I could have gone in on the gift.

However, if - like you - I found the game boring, I'd tell them that I was hurt and that if they can't include me in their group properly then I wont be coming any more. Then I wouldn't go any more. It'd sooner spend the time on my own than play a game I find boring with people who only include me when it suits them.

So, that's what I'd do. But only you can decide what you should do.

Karla said...

They knew you would be there when they gave it to her. They should of asked you if you wanted to go in on it with them. *hugsssssss* Iggy is right..as always!

MarmiteToasty said...

Take a nine iron and bend it around their golfing heads :) and shove a putter up their bums.... that will sort them out..

(((((Punkn)))))) hugs to you, it hurts when ones feelings get shredded.....

x

Intense Guy said...

Marmy's approach works for me too...

LadyStyx said...

Ok...Im just catching up and as always the others have put it so much more eloquintly than I could have hoped to. However, Im all for Marmie's response...then again, Im not really a nice person when put in a position like that.

Lainie said...

Just sending a huge hug cos everyone has pretty much said what I would have said. I might have spoken up at the time (of course not politicaly correct but that's me) and said...'gee had I known you were going to get flowers I would have been happy to pitch in' just so it was noted that I had been excluded. I think I'd find another activity to occupy my time too.

Tori_z said...

Great idea Toasty. ;)

AliceKay said...

I'm just catching up on a few blogs...been a little busy lately. I would have felt hurt, too, but then again, you know how I am. The golfing group didn't consider your feelings at all. Hugs to you, Punkn. (now i'll go read the post that said to read this one first)

ChicagoLady said...

Still way behind on blogs, but wanted to let you know that I agree with Iggy. You probably should mention something privately and nicely to Rita that you would have willingly gone in on the flowers if you had known about it. And if it was going to be only from the golfing group, they should have gotten together with her at a different time than when the PoKeNo group is together.

Only you can decide if you want to continue with the card group, and continue to be left out of conversations about golf and other things they do together that don't include you.